The Misfit Paradox
Disclaimer
The "misfit paradox" is not real term. It is not used in any scientific contexts. It is something that I labelled myself to describe the feeling that I've been having more and more recently. I am sure there is a proper term for it, but right now I am more interested in getting my emotions on paper, rather than delving into different research works.
What is it?
The misfit paradox is when you inverse the cause and effect of certain action/habit, thinking that you are not good enough to perform it. For example, after watching a couple of "Not Just Bikes" videos, I've been really interested in riding bikes. The problem is, however, that in my mind riding bikes is something that is reserved for successful and/or attractive people, and since I do not consider myself to be either of them, I feel overly anxious and self-conscious when riding a bike.
I feel like I am a poseur, just pretending to ride a bike, so that I could justify myself "belonging" to the list of successful/attractive people. The worst thing is, is that the assumption that only successful people ride bikes is made up by me, and only exists within my mind.
This mindset is very destructive, as it not only diminishes your self-confidence, but it also prevents you from improving yourself. Whenever I see someone riding a bike, my disposition towards them rises significantly, which makes me feel less about myself. Moreover, if you want to become attractive, then riding a bike is one way to do it. However, oftentimes I find myself finding excuses not to ride a bike, and saying that I will do that when I am attractive. Because I do not think that I am "good enough" to ride a bike, it prevents me from actually riding a bike that is a prerequisite to becoming more attractive.
Other cases
For me, the same logic applies not only to riding bikes, but also to going to gyms, participating in competitions, and even dating.
Gyms
The gyms should be pretty easy to explain as a lot of people already experienced this feeling. You think that people will look at you, judge you, and even laugh at you. The same thing goes to me. No matter how hard I try to not pay attention to others' gazes, the feeling of inferiority and not belonging here lingers. That is why I do not feel like going to gyms, until I am more physically fit.
Special case
Competitions is a very interesting case for me, as despite the fear that I have on each of them, I've participated in quite a lot. During the 10th grade, I've made a simple device on Arduino board, the code of which is so simple that I feel ashamed of it. It is just 6! (120) switch cases that are nested inside each other. This solution, as stupid as it is, allowed me to receive a couple of awards myself.
At first, it was okay, but the more I heard about people from my school getting international awards and honors for their absolutely back-breaking hardships the more I felt ashamed of myself. Once again, the fear of not "belonging" and "misfit" started to kick in. I felt as though I am cheating and stealing the awards from all the people who really deserve it, and the worst part is that people actually held me in high regard. That is why, the 11th grade for me was mostly idle, as I've only participated in 2 minor competitions, reserving the other ones for 12th grades when I am "good enough". I even told my close friend that I am using 11th grade to improve my skills, but it was just a cover up. In reality, I just felt as though I wasn't good enough, and that prevented me from doing so much things that I really wanted. This is my biggest regret yet. Also, "improve skills" my ass, I haven't done shit for the entire year. I know that it may sound that I am too harsh and critical about myself, but at the moment I feel like this is something that I deserve to hear, especially after not being able to admit that the whole year. I am fairly sure that I will be able to bounce back, and even now, as the realization starts to kick in slowly that I've been sitting on my bum for the whole year, I am feeling overly calm and positive about all this. I feel like finally admitting this to myself will allow me to progress and move forward with ease in the future.
Dating
If you ask me about dating, then I would reply that I do not actively seek to engage in any romantic/sexual relationships. This is only partially true. The truth is, that I would love to be able to hold someone's hand, to lie and sweet talk about our feeling together, to be able to confide my fears to someone I trust; I would love to take care of someone, to think of their problems as my own, to be always there for them. I would love to love and be loved.
However, this is absolutely not an easy matter at all. The internet says that until you are happy with living by yourself, you should not seek a romantic partner. With that I agree. If you only seek a relationship to escape from your misery and pain, and think that romantic partner will free you from all your suffering, that is way too one-sided and selfish. I've long believed that the main driver of any relationship should be wanting to make your partner happy. Not the other way around. If both people have this in mind, then this partnership will be mutually respectful.
"...until you are happy with living by yourself" that is where I fear misfit paradox comes in. To be objective, I am overweight, have a bad posture, and a bad skin care. I feel like a lot of my decisions are selfish, and therefore I do not think that I will be able to bring happiness to someone as I am right now. I do not think that I am someone that deserves to be loved. That is why I am constantly trying to improve myself. But you see this too, don't you? Because I fear that I am not good enough, I never make any first moves or advances.
Truth be told, I have a crush, and I've entertained the idea in my head that if I were to confess to her right now then she would most likely reject me (probably not true, but that's what I've been telling myself all this time). That is why I decided that I would wait before I am more fit, more attractive, and more successful before I confess to her. That was 2 years ago. The same situation like with competitions repeats itself: I tell myself that I will do something when I am better, I never get better (or at least to where I would like to be), and now I am regretting that I haven't done that sooner. I think that I am not good enough, that I should be better to do something, and because of this delusion, I end up not doing anything at all. This is exactly the misfit paradox I was talking about. Now I am not saying that dating someone will make me more attractive, but I do not think of myself "belonging" to the group of people that deserve to be loved, and it is a problem.
Where do I go now?
If I am not successful, I do not bike. If I am not fit, I do not gym. If I am not attractive, I do not date.
This is a problem, and I need to tackle it immediately. I cannot say that because I've written it all down I would be able to overcome all of those issues and finally escape the prison I've built for myself. However, writing all of this lifted the burden that I've been carrying and helped to clear my thoughts.
I've spent way too much time writing this that I expected, but I am glad that I did. I will try to get better, one day at the time.